One silly curmudgeon from the Boston Globe says our hands are what separate us from the animals and, because soccer takes our hands away from us, it is not a sport worth watching (he’s written this column a handful of times already, by the way. Self-plagiarism in the Internet age is dumb, folks. Steer clear.).
Ignoring how inherently stupid the entirety of that argument is, there is a more powerful point to be made. No, Dan, hands are not what separates us from the animals. Our general refusal to sink our teeth into anything that is alive is what does that.
Except, of course, for Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez.
HE BIT THAT DUDE. ON SOCCER’S MOST PROMINENT STAGE. IN THE MIDDLE OF A NIL-NIL GAME THAT DECIDED WHETHER ITALY OR URUGUAY HAD TO PACK THEIR BAGS. OM NOM NOM, SUAREZ SAYS MID-TUSSLE. CHOMP CHOMP, MUNCH, AND OTHER WORDS OF THAT NATURE.
AND IT IS NOT THE FIRST TIME HE HAS DONE THIS, NOR EVEN THE MOST PROMINENT OF SPORTS BITING MOMENTS (AT LEAST FOR US AMERICANS WHO APPARENTLY DETEST THE REST OF THE WORLD’S VERSION OF FOOTBALL).
In the aftermath, Will Ferrell rushed to take part in the madness and offered to nibble Germany into submission for the U.S. (because of course). There was a simple-yet-hilarious game created to test your ability to snack on an Italian defender without picking up a red card — my high score is 35,873, and I am not at all ashamed.
But let’s dig into this a bit. Was the Suarez bite really worth such a tongue-lashing and a four-month suspension by FIFA? Of course not. It could have been so much worse. And there are so many more prominent moments in biting-of-humans history that received far lesser penalties (see: Tyson, Dracula the first few times, various zombies who avoided machine gun fire in post-apocalyptic movies, etc.).
And so, here are some top moments in human-on-human biting history.
There are, apparently, quite a few incidents worse than that of Suarez in sports history. Tyson’s ear-severing of Evander Holyfield leads the way on this list, but I would argue there are some on here that register as quite worse. There’s even a Southeastern Conference mention!
Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. For Christ’s sake, ow. Can you imagine losing your bottom lip to a bite? Even when drunk as this man appears to be, that has to be a godawful feeling. I mean. Ow.
Remember that whole bath salts thing back in 2012? That was bad. It also led to quite a bit more cannibalism than is usual, and it gave us this gruesome story involving two men and one face. Read at your own risk.
Here’s a throwback to 1846 for you. If you took any ultra-specific courses on the discovery of the Western frontier, you might have heard of the Donner Party. Warning: This was not a party in the sense of streamers and cake and celebratory toots on noisemakers. This was a party of people who set out in wagons, got lost and had to resort to consumption of their fellow expeditioners to stay alive. So. Um. That’s unfortunate.
What are your top moments in the history of biting?