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You are downtown. You toss a stone up in the air. What are the odds of it hitting a hipster? I’ll let you answer that for yourself.

One can argue for days that perfect definition of hipster is nonexistent. Real hipsters deny they’re hipsters, faux hipsters bask in hipster performativity. Nobody wins. The truth is, there is no clear-cut definition of being a “hipster” because hipsterdom exists in a continuum.

Here are five types of hipsters specific to your geographical location: CoMO. This is, of course, not a comprehensive list. If you find yourself falling into more than one category, you are hybrid (Meaning: Congrats. You’re better than everyone else) or you’re just too good to be put in a box because you’re not a hipster (Meaning: Get angry at me). Anger is okay because autonomy is sexy. Enjoy this self-deprecating parody of hipsters in Columbia.

The Scenester Hipster

Where To Find Them:

Eastside Tavern on DirtyDisco DanceParty Fridays.

Hip Uniform:

-Urban Outfitters.

-Asos.

-Pre-ripped tights.

-dSLR with the ISO cranked all the way up for perfect Facebook party pictures.

Sh*t They Say:

-I love pot.

-Check out my new vinyl.

-I love Ron Paul.

-I love <name drop DJ>.

-OMG I LOVE THIS SONG. WHAT IS THIS SONG?

Hip Beats:

-Animal Collective

-LCD Soundsystem

-Crystal Castles

The Book Hipster

Where To Find Them:

Ragtag, Kaldis, Lakota, wherever they roast coffee beans right.

Hip Uniform:

-Jcrew, Goodwill or Jcrew from Goodwill cable knits, it depends on their socioeconomic background.

-Ray-Ban glasses.

-Fedora or beanie.

-American Apparel turtlenecks.

Sh*t They Say:

-Have you read this book?

-Have you seen this documentary?

-I don’t watch Tv.

-Have you seen <insert a movie by Wes Anderson or Woody Allen>?

-I am not a hipster.

Hip Beats:

-Air

-Telepopmusik

-Manu Chao

The Trendster Hipster

Where To Find Them:

The Quad, along Ninth Street, Ingredient.

Hip Uniform:

-Forever 21

-H&M

-Target

-Jorts.

-Anything you find in the latest People Style Watch magazine.

Sh*t They Say:

-Cute shoes. Where did you get them?

-I love Forever 21.

-That is SO hipster.

-You’re such a hipster.

-Neons are really in this season.

Hip Beats:

-Lykke Li

-Llama Del Rey

-WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP UNST UNST UNST DUBSTEP UNST UNST UNST!

The Hickster Hipster

Where to find them:

Katy or MKT trail. But sometimes you’ll just never know because they’ll be on their fixies riding around town.

Hip Uniform:

- Plaid from Pendleton and corduroys.

-Crumpler or any leathery messengers.

-Palladium boots, or the like.

-Mountain man facial hair.

-Chest tattoos. Sleeve tattoos.

Sh*t They Say:

-I gotta go to Klunks to <fill in the blank>

-I hate these kids who text while crossing the road.

-How far is it? Can I bike there?

-I don’t have a car.

Hip Beats:

-Nicklecreek

-Wilco

-Andrew Bird

The Diet Hipster

Where To Find Them:

Main Squeeze, Root Cellar, Farmers Market.

Hip Uniform:

-Scarves.

-Toms.

-Ankle-grazing denim.

-American Apparel basics.

Sh*t They Say

-Animals have feelings.

-Have you seen Food Inc.?

-I get my protein from beans.

-Is that organic?

-I grew these tomatoes.

Hip Beats:

-Belle and Sebastian.

-Anything yoga and Pilates friendly.

 

3 Responses to The Hipster Continuum

  1. BRANSONBRANSON says:

    HOLY HECK IT IS THE YEAR 2012 AND PEOPLE ARE STILL MAKING LIST-BASED JOKE ARTICLES ABOUT HIPSTERS

    • justlikethedinos says:

      The hipster jokes will never stop. Even once all the hipsters die off and become extinct it’ll just be like telling jokes about dinosaurs.

  2. YA says:

    Bransonbranson must be a hipster. so much unecessary hate.

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