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- Carl Edwards Day: There are valid arguments supporting the inclusion of other notable Columbians such as David Freese and Jon Hamm. The one thing that separates Edwards is that he was CoMo born and raised and continues to live here. Say what you want about the legitimacy of NASCAR as a sport — Edwards can do a mean backflip.
- Militia Appreciation Day: As any MU student can rattle off, the Tigers name is in honor of a local band of armed guards who protected Columbia during the Civil War. Without those folks, CoMo might’ve suffered a similar fate as Lawrence, Kan.
- Darwin Hindman Day: Hindman was beamed down to Earth from the gods above in 1933 as a superhero who could do no wrong. In 1995, he won the mayorship by a landslide. Literally. Elections had to close early because of the danger to voters. He then went to work making CoMo a bike-friendly city and beefed up our parks and recycling program (though not so literally this time). This would be a day of eating Shakespeares’ “The Darwin” pizza and biking to work.
- American Beer Weekend: Yes. There’s already a holiday for this. It’s Friday. And Saturday. And Thursday. The difference is, this would be all-AMURRICAN. Stores would be banned from selling Stella and Heineken. There are so many great local microbrews — sometimes a little force is all it takes to realize this.
- Ozark-American History Month: It seems like there’s already a month for each sector of society, from June Dairy Month to Hug-an-Accountant Month. Ozarkians have feelings, too! They would like to be included in the picture, whether it includes learning the middle name of Harry Truman or watching nonstop episodes of The Beverly Hillbillies.
- Empty Garage Week: What if everyone in this city refused to park in any of the garages for a week and they just sat there uninhabited like my fridge? Answer: They would either turn out to be like those buildings in I Am Legend where the vampires lived OR we would see how unnecessary having so many parking garages is. I’m betting it’s the second one. Also, it would be awesome. And equally hilarious.
- Remembrance of Those Who Once Were: A moment of silence for the stores that are no longer with us today. The Cherry Street Artisan … W.G. Grinders … There’s only so much yearning a heart can take.
- Don’t Do Anything Day: It’s recently come to our attention that Forbes and Parade believe that Columbia is the hardest-working city in America. Before you ask, there isn’t a cash prize for winning the top spot. However, it would be nice to take a Monday off the work schedule and chalk it up to something that all of us deserve.
- Nude Hour: This one understandably isn’t celebrated over a full day. Every city in Missouri should have an hour each year in which the dress code is relaxed and residents are free to wear — or not wear — whatever they wish. Don’t forget this is called the “Show-Me State” after all.
- Middle Child Appreciation Day: Like a middle child caught in the quarrels and emotional tsunamis between an older and younger sibling, Columbia is stuck smack dab between St. Louis and Kansas City. Middle children on this day would be given an hour-long piggyback ride and an extra bedtime story.
- Boonemas: In addition to having a public library named after himself, Daniel Boone had a large part in exploring this territory. Apparently, he was known to establish a salt lick that was one of the area’s first landmarks. Festivities for this holiday would include drinking volatile amounts of Boone’s Farm wine and eating sea salt caramels.
- Columbia Awareness Day: Like Springfield, Columbia has a heckuva lot of name twins (22 to be exact). Unlike Springfield, Missouri contains the best Columbia. This would be a fun day when residents earn the privilege to insult the Columbias in other states with disses such as “You might be the capital of our nation, but your education system is a joke … ha … where’s your representation now?!” or “Gamecocks are like the Cornhuskers of the Atlantic”
- Tornado Appeasement Day: When tribal natives wanted to prevent eruptions, they threw handmade dolls and flowers into the open mouths of volcanoes. Since CoMo isn’t too far from Tornado Alley, we should take a page out of their roughly hewn book and offer some sacrifices for the tornadoes as well. Civic residents would be commended for pointing their vacuums at the sky and, though impossible, running their microwaves with the doors open for long periods of time.
- Risky Entrepreneur Week: In 2007, Jimmy Winkelmann was a 16-year-old St. Louis native (later an MU student) who started the companies “The South Butt” and “OLOP” (plays off The North Face and POLO companies). What resulted were years worth of lawsuits and this: after The North Face sent him a cease and desist, he demanded ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Those are some big cojones.
- 2016 Bicentennial Blowout: Columbia was founded in 1816. In four years, if the world doesn’t end, there should be a major party-super-partayy to celebrate.
Meanwhile, here are some examples of holidays that should come back:
- Cake and a Movie (#CaaM): On a day in early 2009, Justin Scott really wanted to eat cake. He also wanted to watch a movie. So he decided to do both. But it’s impossible to bake a couple slices by themselves. And it’s not wise to eat an entire cake by yourself. That would defeat the purpose of serving sizes. Scott did the commendable thing. He invited people to join him via the local Twittersphere. The trend caught on and became a weekly event, something Antoinette would envy. It spread to other continents like Australia, who were using the #CaaM hashtag as well. Then Scott moved to San Francisco…
- Tweet-ups: Speaking of Twitter, when was the last area tweet-up (translated: meet-up for Twitter users)?
- Perfect Grammar Day: Around the time that Columbia was first settled, nearly all of the residents spoke English without ending their sentences with prepositions or subject verb disagreements. Perfect grammar was understood – if you happened to use a dangling modifier or weren’t a great speller, it reflected on your intelligence (Disclaimer: I would’ve been labeled a ‘dunce’ in those days). Say, what if we returned to that for one day?
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