The Regency Hotel checks out. PHOTO COURTESY OF DAVID OAKS

For the past two semesters, I’ve been living on a straight diet of oatmeal, cereal and egg noodles from the Hitt Street No Gas. The reason behind this is 60 percent due to there not being a downtown grocery store and the other 40 percent owing to the fact that I’m a self-destructive crazy person. If Joe is too busy trading, maybe we can give Wegman’s™ a call.

The closest rink is in Jefferson City. That’s a far trip just to practice some triple axles. Rollerskating isn’t the same and you know it.

Are you not amused? No, of course you aren’t. Now imagine a couple roller coasters stretching in the sky above Jingo’s™ and Willie’s™ and skipping that 3 pm focus group to barf up 4-G force vomit. Sounds like an afternoon.

You’re craving a Chick-fil-A™ sandwich. You can taste the breading on the northernmost point of your tongue and the smell of peanut oil. Then you remember you live in CoMo. Room. Boasted. This Facebook™ group is now relevant to you.

While CoMo has an unhealthy obsession with antique clothing stores (aka thrift and consignment shops), there’s nowhere outside of those pawn stars on Business Loop that offer a selection of octogenarian furniture.

There are two jokes in this town. One is jschoolbuzz.com. The other is that the University of Missouri™ seems to be one of largest Apple™ dealers on the face of the Earth, yet there is no Apple™ retail store in our city. What gives?

My friend Nick told me to include this one, which I don’t necessarily agree with. I argued with him that it is Missouri after all and isn’t like 106.9 kinda a hip hop thing. He said it wasn’t. Apparently, he’s from the big apple — do people still call it that anymore? — and knows something about drops and beats and dubstep. I asked him to please speak in English. We both came to the agreement that the blog post would be better with this included.

CoMo is no doubt a progressive city; an anthill floating on a Eucalyptus leaf in the middle of a pond. What better to help progress those electric cars other than a structure where you can plug them in to recharge? Nothing, that’s what.

If only, if only the woodpecker sighs, the bark on the tree was as soft as the skies AND COMO HAD AN ENTIRE FIVE FLOORS OF BUILDING DEDICATED TO VENDING MACHINES?! It would be like those highway rest stop vending palaces with their cappuccino dispensers and their ice cream machines except multiplied by three hundred. CoMo would forever be labeled as “Snack City”. Our town would go down in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most vending machines per capita. And nobody would ever go hungry again.