- Responding to Roger Ebert’s reviews
- T/F Film Fest
- About Vox
As a shy, scrawny kid who didn’t have much in terms of friends, I was often relegated to the basement of our townhouse where I would play with Legos™ for hours. While my parents would watch rated R movies and sip Cabernet Sauvignon, I would pretend I was the city manager. I would have the power to choose what businesses could thrive and which ones failed in my Lego™ metropolis (keep in mind that I was about 10 and didn’t have any grasp on the functions of local government). I could remove all the organic, locally-produced restaurants and replace them with McDonalds™.
The memory of those evenings were pushed back to the deep recesses of my parietal lobe and long forgotten until I heard about the Regency Hotel™ being torn down. The Regency™ was the first place in CoMo I had set foot in and though I was heartbroken over this nostalgic loss, I had my hopes up about what they would build in its place.
While I’m not Mike Matthes, city manager of Columbia, or anyone in city council, I’ve compiled a list (along with some help from the staffers at Vox™) of what businesses CoMo still needs and could’ve served our citizens most likely better than the upcoming Doubletree™.
For the past two semesters, I’ve been living on a straight diet of oatmeal, cereal and egg noodles from the Hitt Street No Gas. The reason behind this is 60 percent due to there not being a downtown grocery store and the other 40 percent owing to the fact that I’m a self-destructive crazy person. If Joe is too busy trading, maybe we can give Wegman’s™ a call.
2. Ice skating rink
The closest rink is in Jefferson City. That’s a far trip just to practice some triple axles. Rollerskating isn’t the same and you know it.
Are you not amused? No, of course you aren’t. Now imagine a couple roller coasters stretching in the sky above Jingo’s™ and Willie’s™ and skipping that 3 pm focus group to barf up 4-G force vomit. Sounds like an afternoon.
You’re craving a Chick-fil-A™ sandwich. You can taste the breading on the northernmost point of your tongue and the smell of peanut oil. Then you remember you live in CoMo. Room. Boasted. This Facebook™ group is now relevant to you.
5. Antique mall
While CoMo has an unhealthy obsession with antique clothing stores (aka thrift and consignment shops), there’s nowhere outside of those pawn stars on Business Loop that offer a selection of octogenarian furniture.
6. Apple™ store
There are two jokes in this town. One is jschoolbuzz.com. The other is that the University of Missouri™ seems to be one of largest Apple™ dealers on the face of the Earth, yet there is no Apple™ retail store in our city. What gives?
7. Hip hop radio station
My friend Nick told me to include this one, which I don’t necessarily agree with. I argued with him that it is Missouri after all and isn’t like 106.9 kinda a hip hop thing. He said it wasn’t. Apparently, he’s from the big apple — do people still call it that anymore? — and knows something about drops and beats and dubstep. I asked him to please speak in English. We both came to the agreement that the blog post would be better with this included.
8. Car charging station
CoMo is no doubt a progressive city; an anthill floating on a Eucalyptus leaf in the middle of a pond. What better to help progress those electric cars other than a structure where you can plug them in to recharge? Nothing, that’s what.
9. Vending machine area
If only, if only the woodpecker sighs, the bark on the tree was as soft as the skies AND COMO HAD AN ENTIRE FIVE FLOORS OF BUILDING DEDICATED TO VENDING MACHINES?! It would be like those highway rest stop vending palaces with their cappuccino dispensers and their ice cream machines except multiplied by three hundred. CoMo would forever be labeled as “Snack City”. Our town would go down in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most vending machines per capita. And nobody would ever go hungry again.
Things CoMo doesn’t need
Nothing kills the spirit like passing a graveyard on your morning commute.
2. Nuclear missile silo
Textbook from a history class in the year 2474: “The American Chernobyl could’ve been so easily prevented.”
3. Hydraulic fracturing site
Unless you want flammable tap water and your family to develop leukemia, I would suggest against it.
4. Another regular parking garage
Because CoMo on Google Earth™ doesn’t need to look any uglier than it already does
Tagged with: I'm afraid to visit Georgia because of Deliverance
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