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Living in the 21st century means you have to pick a side: vampire or werewolf. Some people find it harder than others. I’ve always been team vampire. I prefer Edward instead of Jacob.
Scratch that. I prefer Damon.
… or Elijah.
Regardless, there are many reasons why I prefer the bloodsucker, but the deciding factor for me is temperature. You see, I sympathize with werewolves, because I think I’m part werewolf. No, I don’t howl at the moon and no, I don’t have abs like Alcide from True Blood.
But what I do have is a body temperature that runs closer to 100 than 98.6.
The bottom line is: I’m hot. All. The. Time.
As a child, if my temperature read 98.6, my mother knew something was wrong. And even now, my friends know that when we share a bed, they don’t want to wear sweats, because I’m practically a heater. And so when I was originally thinking about the vampire-werewolf debate, I realized that if I dated or even hung out with a werewolf, I might actually combust. But if I think the cold side of my pillow is great, can you imagine how much I’d love a vampire hubby?
Being hot runs in my family. Like most things in my life, I got it from my mama. But she did not get it from hers. When my mother was but an infant, my grandmother used to keep her wrapped up in blankets. Apparently being cold ran in the family. Or so my grandmother thought. When my mom started breaking out in hives, the doctor explained that she was overheating. And that was the last time my mother used a blanket. I’m serious.
What all this means is that I sweat a lot and constantly have to take into account what I’m going to wear and/or do, particularly during the summer. So if you too are hot-blooded, if you’re a werewolf, or if you just hate sweating, here are some tips and tricks I’ve perfected over the years:
- Embrace the cold side of the pillow (or the nearest vampire).
- A fan is your new best friend. Yes, even the tiny ones that grandma always carries in her purse.
- Do NOT live in Arizona. Or Florida. Or New Mexico.
- Find fun things to do with your bangs: Pin them back, braid them or poof them. Notice that I did not say ANYTHING about a bump it. That’s never acceptable.
- Stay as far away from wool as possible. Cotton, however, ain’t too shabby.
- Black and white colors are your wardrobe staples. Grey needs to be few and far between. And by that, I mean nonexistent. A perfect example (ignore Wahlberg’s incredible good looks):
- If you have long hair, never go anywhere without a hair tie on your wrist.
- If you have a pet, you might want to keep them out of your bed. They are the only thing closer to the body temperature of a werewolf than you are.
- Drink water, water and more water.
- Always know where the nearest bathroom is located.
- Leave your house five minutes earlier than planned so that you can walk at a leisurely pace so as to not work up a sweat.
- Don’t buy UGGs. That goes for everyone, not just hot people.
- Think cold thoughts. It’s kind of like going to your happy place, so long as your happy place is Antarctica.
If all else fails, jump in a pool. And if you’re a female and anything like me, try not to think about the horrendous future that awaits us. My greatest fear in life is hot flashes. There will be no saving me. Good luck to you all.
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