So the other day, I was ingraining the geography of Canada into my mind, thanks to the Cockeyed blog. I now know how intimately Quebec sits on Ontario’s lap and that the Northwest Territories likes it on top with Saskatchewan. Of course, being able to accurately map out the provinces of Mapletown don’t serve any practical purpose, but it got me thinking…what if there were mnemonic devices to help navigate around Columbia?

The Columbia Mall

On first glance, the layout of the Columbia can be intimidating. It’s like some mythological creature of consumerist culture. The Loch Ness Monster maybe.

Or it’s just a deer.

You see, the antlers represent the naked coat hangers at Dillard’s. Deer tracks in the snow are vaguely reminiscent of pennies. The “deer in the headlights” look is — for lack of a better word — searing. And as most hunters are aware, it’s never a good idea to shoot a buck in the rump, making for an awful target.

Yes, these analogies are far-reaching and they might never come in handy. But the next time you’re stuck in mall limbo, it helps to keep the deer image in mind.

Downtown Columbia

Unless you’ve lived here for the length of a college degree, it can be difficult to remember the order of tree names you pass when driving north/south. They seem randomly placed. I mean, shouldn’t the walnut and the cherry be together? And who comes up with a locust tree off the top of their head?

The answer is Extra Long Chocolate Bar With Ants.

Settle down. Rather than the newest Nestlé concoction or a euphemism about defecating, it’s an easy way to memorize those horizontal streets.

Remember, deer and chocolate bars. You’ll never be lost again.

Photo of deer courtesy of U.S. Army Environmental Command on Flickr; photo of chocolate bar courtesy of stock.xchng; photos of ants courtesy of stock.xchng