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Am I the only one whose Facebook newsfeed is perpetually clogged with virtual engagement announcements? You know what I’m talking about — that one little line that has the potential to crash the Internet someday: “Rachel Darling is engaged.” Followed instantaneously by the obligatory ring photo (shield your eyes), the explosion of comments filled with CAPITAL LETTERS and !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!s and everyone and their mother engaging the “Like” button.
The problem here is that if it’s a wedding I’m actually going to be invited to, one where I will laugh and cry and celebrate true love conquering all, I’ve already gotten the screaming, gushing phone call and I’ve done the whole squealing-while-jumping-up-and-down thing. (Yes, that happens in real life, I’ll admit it.) Likely, the bride-to-be and I have been discussing her impending nuptials long before a diamond took residence on her ring finger. So when you’re going on three years solo like yours truly and the announcement comes from a total rando/ex-other half/that girl you’ve been jealous of since junior high because she made the Olsen twins look homely and you thought you’d die before you outgrew your awkward stage — it’s only typical to have an averse reaction. Here are some do’s and don’ts to keep in mind:
Don’t: Reach for the Ben & Jerry’s.
Do: Go for a run. Endorphins are your friend.
Don’t: Pull your hair out.
Do: Get a new do. I have no scientific evidence that this improves moods, but personal experience says a great haircut can pull you out of any funk.
Don’t: Change into sweatpants.
Do: Drag your roommate out for dinner or drinks.
Don’t: Change your status to lyrics from your favorite sad, sappy song.
Do: Reread The Hunger Games. If Katniss can (SPOILER ALERT) bring down the Capitol, you can survive this crisis.
Don’t: Text your ex. Seriously. Put your phone down.
Do: Call your mom/sister/that friend you’ve been unintentionally ignoring. Catch up.
Don’t: Listen to Taylor Swift. Love ya, girlfriend, but your ballads make me weep.
Do: Crank up the Kelly Clarkson. Sister’s got sass.
Don’t: Scroll through Pinterest for three hours.
Do: Treat yourself to an at-home spa night. (Or a real spa day, if your bank account is in better standing than mine.)
Don’t: Feel sorry for yourself.
Do: Enjoy your last carefree, solo years. Ten years from now, when your life revolves around everyone but yourself, you’ll wish you had.
If you can master this etiquette, your attitude (and complexion) will be all the better for it. Just get ready for the next phase of your Facebook life: baby photos.
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