The Olympics is the Triwizard Tournament of the Muggle world. How will the sorting hat evaluate you? Illustration by Brody Capstick

So apparently that one blog post I wrote back in April about Shakespeare’s and Heidelberg cups being a sort of horoscope was read by people. Rather than bask in the glory and develop carpal tunnel syndrome from signing the autographs of all my fans, I’ve decided to follow up with another personality test for you VoxTalkers (VoxTalkians? VoxTalkheads? VoxListeners?). Anyway, think of your favorite Olympics sporting event — or make one up — and check out the corresponding non-qualified psychiatric diagnosis below. You might just learn something about yourself.

Archery: Ever end up seeing that one We Need To Talk About Kevin film at Ragtag Cinema this spring? Yeah, that’s a completely unrelated topic. If archery tickles your fancy, you enjoy playing cupid. Your business card should say “Matchmaker.” To you, eHarmony is Flatbranch Creek: shallow and devoid of fish. You enjoy being the independent lone wolf, scouting situations from afar and planning your next move.

Badminton: You spend more time at Kui and Formosa than a different place where most average people spend a lot of time. You’re not afraid to make sacrifices, sometimes losing what’s valuable to you to get ahead in the giant chess game…errrhm badminton court…of life.

Basketball: Your favorite font is Times New Roman. You’ve made more wastepaper basket free-throws than Wilt Chamberlain. You consider any comparisons between this year’s hoopsters and the Dream Team as the eighth deadly sin. Other people might have called you boring at one point in your life, but you’re just you being you doing what you do. Relax…rooting for LeBron is acceptable now!

Gymnastics: When you compare your reactions with the gymnasts’ parents, you admire how calm they are. You have the Arthur episode where D.W. tries the balance beam in your DVD collection. If you have daughters, you’ll name them Gabby and Aly. You frequent Tiger Hotel’s Vault bar just because of its name. You’re strong-willed and dedicated, but you understand when the proper time is to let the waterworks fly free

Soccer: You played FIFA on Xbox at your cousin’s house once and it was fun. Somehow though, you managed to remember the name of every player on England and Spain’s team. You’ve never watched a full “football” match on TV (it’s because it’s never on, you tell people) but you can sure act like it’s your life.

Swimming: Ryan Lochte’s abs. Ryan Lochte’s abs. Ryan Lochte’s abs. Ryan Lochte’s abs. Ryan Lochte’s abs. Ryan Lochte’s abs. You believe that perfection on Earth is possible, as illustrated by certain people.

Synchronized Swimming: You like order and symmetry. You like order and symmetry. Watching these swimmers act as perfect mirrors gives peace to your soul. Watching these swimmers act as perfect mirrors gives peace to your soul. The smallest error or lapse in judgment can throw you into Mount Vesuvius-scale conniptions. The smallest error, and lapse in judgment throw you into Mt. Vesuvius-scaled conipptios. See?

Tennis: Nice shirt! Is it Lacoste? No, wait, I think I remember that from the window at Brooks Brothers. Oh, okay, so it’s Vineyard Vines. I couldn’t be more wrong. I am so sorry.

Volleyball: In a former life, you were a freedom fighter. You break down boundaries, even if they’re made out of reinforced concrete and military-grade steel. The net won’t stop you from sharing your opinion. Not In My Backyard, shouts the tattoo from under your left rib.

Water Polo: Chances are, you’re one-third Californian, one-third Eastern European and one-third mermaid. Your lungs could host banquet dinners.

Weightlifting: Why are you even reading this article? Shouldn’t you be at the gym working out?