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OK, admit it. There’s some show you love to watch but hate to acknowledge. I’ll go first: mine’s Storage Wars. Thank my mom and dad for getting me hooked on Barry’s eccentric purchasing and Brandi’s constant harping on Jarrod.
But the one show I swore I’d never get into — and to this day haven’t — is Jersey Shore.
Apart from watching Gary Oldman’s reading of one episode’s plot summary (on repeat), I have forever stayed away from the entire series:
However, I can at least empathize with Jersey Shore fans when they heard earlier this week that their beloved walking Italian-American stereotypes were being told by MTV to seek their “smush” elsewhere. I was crushed the day they announced Firefly would soar no more on Fox.*
*I’m sorry. That’s the best I can do.
Never fear, Shore-ites! A whole lineup of equally-bad television is ready to pick up your Ed-Hardy-clad remains in a red Solo cup and nurse you back to health in time to binge drink another season. Better get started now so the transition is slicker than Pauly D’s hair gel.
- TLC’s Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is quite possibly the new Jersey Shore, its fourth episode officially pulling in better ratings than the Republican National Convention. Little Alana, known as “Honey Boo Boo,” became such a legendary toddler in a tiara that she and her mother now have their own spin-off sure to make you gasp, scoff and keep tuning in every week.
- Joining the ranks of the many “Real Housewives” is a more artsy type of reality lady. Bravo’s show Gallery Girls started mid-August, and there’s no end in sight to the gossip, fighting, lying and relationship envy that goes on between these seven aspiring art dealers.
- If Snooki’s pregnancy (and consequential labor and motherhood) leaves you hanging when the Shore ends, tune into TLC’s High School Moms. It’s like Teen Mom multiplied by a high school class and tells stories from a Colorado high school specifically for adolescence with kids.
- Not to be left in the lurch once Jersey Shore ends, MTV already has a new reality show in the works. Starting in November, Catfish: The TV Show brings couples together who have only interacted online. Sure to be a show that you can tune into anywhere in the season, as long as you don’t mind getting hooked on the rest of it.
- For those looking for long beards and beer guts rather than spiked hair and six-packs, A&E’s Duck Dynasty could possibly be the new show. It’s Jersey Shore except with “Lewsiyana” twangs instead of “Joisey” accents, and the starring family grows a business empire out of ducks rather than out of…whatever The Situation and friends do to make money.
But if none of these options entice, there’s always the Amazon way. All five seasons are available as uncensored DVDs so the party never has to end and has far fewer FCC censor tones. And don’t forget the myriad of spinoffs, like Pauly D Project and Snooki & JWoww.
Because if Jersey Shore teaches us anything, it’s that there’s no such thing as over-exposure in any light, artificial or not.
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