I’ll admit it. I’m a people watcher. Sometimes it kicks me in the butt (there’s nothing more awkward than getting caught watching someone), but other times, it gets you a bit closer to understanding how this crazy human race functions. Or at least it gives you a great story to tell later on.

So like any people watcher, I looked to Roots ‘N’ Blues ‘N’ BBQ this year not just for the music and delicious, might-as-well-not-gone-to-pilates-this-morning food, but also to the ability to observe Homo sapiens socializing.

Here’s what I learned:

1. Got beer? Gotta pee? No problem! Male or female, it’s perfectly acceptable to take your beer into the Port-a-Potty with you.
2. If you’re missing that perfect curl in your mustache, gentlemen, don’t be afraid to use a little gel. It makes all the difference.
3. When curb sitting, keep a 1.5-butt distance between you and a strange neighbor. Any less and you’re a creeper; any more and a creeper will sit square in the middle.
   

   Yes, I realize that top part has an error, and it should say <1 1/2 butt-length. You draw it next time.

4. PDA is allowed at any age, especially when it involves two older people slow dancing to Al Green. The college couple making out? Slightly less cute.
5. The first rule of going to a festival in Columbia is “Don’t litter.” The second rule of going to a festival in Columbia is “Don’t litter.”
   

   If you do, Tyler Durden will find you and beat you up. (Photo courtesy of Yahoo Movies)

6. Floral pants-verging-on-jeggings are not “silly pants.” They’re “sexy, fun party pants,” according to one woman sporting a “The best part of Grandma’s house is the cookies” sweatshirt.
7. Columbians smoke funny (legal?) things that smell like everything from tobacco to strawberry Laffy Taffies.
8. Wearing peacock feathers in your hair is not only normal, but entirely awesome.
   

   The new hat. (Photo courtesy Stock Xchange)

9. Dance even if you can’t. And if your wife is in a wheelchair and on an oxygen tank, pick her up so she can dance with you, too. Just be aware that a lot of strangers will be taking your picture and tagging it as “True love lasts” on Facebook.
10. Noon? Time for a beer.

Have I mentioned I love Columbia?