Time for some online shopping! But if you think Amazon is for squares and Ebay is just — outdated — prepare yourself for the ultimate galleria of sketchy sales.

Follow me to the Columbia Craigslist page. To get there, you just need a computer and some fast fingers. Maybe some super-strong virus protection, too.

Now that you’re on the homepage, do you smell that? That’s the aroma of a thousand vintage shops, cat-infested houses and boxes of week-old Chinese takeout. On your left you’ll see the personal ads, discussion forums and community notices. Consider that the food court of this fine establishment, where the elite meet and greet. To the right is “jobs” and “gigs.” Nice that the Craigslist Mall has an unemployment office so you can make money to spend on fine items when you browse what’s coming up, dead center.

In the middle of the page lies the Fountain of Reduce, Reuse and Recycle. Appliances, antiques, clothing, toys and games — they make up the inventory of Columbia’s online selling hotspot. But let’s narrow our focus, shall we? Time to do some clothes shopping.

Formal wear seems to be the most popular. I get it; you buy a dress for hundreds of dollars, you wear the dress for a day, you sell it for a couple of bucks later when you need the money more than something you can dress up in at three in the morning when you dance around the house.

The sellers might not tell you exactly WHAT they’ve used the dress for, but something you can look forward to at the Craigslist Bridal Boutique is the detailed descriptions of the items themselves:

This one goes for $60. (Photo courtesy of Craigslist.com)

< “Size 4 beautiful wedding dress with train. Needs to be cleaned as there are a couple light chocolate milk stains from my kids and dirt on the bottom from it touching the ground,” writes the seller of this gown, tagged as “Size 4 wedding dress,” writes one seller.

Or how about other items, such as nursing bras, Underarmor workout spandex (“worn once for working out” — apparently the New Year’s Resolution didn’t pan out),  men’s diabetic shoes and a Kansas City Chiefs sweatshirt?

But my two favorite, might-just-buy-it items are these:

1) An adult gorilla costume, worn once, being sold for $45. Because I see absolutely no reason I shouldn’t own a gorilla costume just once in my life (and neither did this guy, apparently).

2) Menards standard-issue security gear. Buy this nine-piece set and you’ll be able to get in anywhere security guards wear plaid shirts or denim jackets.

The unspoken rule, however, is that if you buy something, you should also sell something. It’s common Craigslist courtesy. So here’s my contribution once I buy that pair of Speigel leather ladies’ chaps I’ve got my eye on:

PENGUIN PANTS — USED BUT STILL WARM. Christmas gift from who-knows-when, warmest pants you’ll ever own. Cutest penguins you’ll ever see. Cold winter is up ahead, so buy now. $2.

Any takers?