PRINTConflicting Interests
Columbians who deal with discord every day
November 23, 2006 | 12:00 a.m. CST
Television attorneys settle a theatrical case in the time it takes to eat dinner. And they make it seem so easy. In 40 minutes, they yell, cajole, quarrel and insult for the sake of convincing the jury and sinking their opponent. With the exception of, perhaps, heavy-weight champions, attorneys are the ultimate symbol of conflict on the job.
Wally Bley, a personal injuries lawyer in Columbia, faces off against people and companies his clients claim have caused them harm.
Paula Fleming, center, and Rebecca Nowlin, right, work together to plan the float that will ...
Rock Bridge High School principal Andy Kohl chats with Antonio Rainey between classes. By walking ...
Kimberly Smith, a clinical social worker, meditates in her office before making an appearance at ...
“Beating up the other side,” Bley says, won’t help a client’s cause, so it’s important to treat people with civility and respect. “Everybody’s mamma taught him that you get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar,” he says.
Dan Knight, the assistant prosecuting attorney for Boone County, is on the other side of the law. And although he says he is a naturally competitive person, he agrees that professional courtesy comes first. Knight says it’s not unusual for disputes between attorneys to get personal, but over the years, he has trained himself to ignore these petty arguments.
Although other professionals might not get their own TV shows (how many series have you seen on high school principals?), many do face daily challenges that put them in the middle of sticky situations. The high school principal must nurture students but also keep them in line. The social worker must accept that she cannot solve every client’s problem, and the vice president of Boys and Girls Town of Missouri must oversee the delicate process of reuniting neglected children with their families.
— Besa Luci & Domencia Bongiovanni
School house rocks
The bell rings at Rock Bridge High School, and students shuffle from class to class, slapping high-fives and chatting with friends before the next period begins. Teenagers in sports uniforms eagerly await the big game. Students surround lockers and gossip about their weekend plans. It’s a typical high school scene, one you would expect from any high school in America. It’s a scene Rock Bridge Principal Andy Kohl sees every day.
But appearances can be deceiving. Kohl says high school life can get complicated.
“For me it’s a day-to-day balancing act of meeting needs,” Kohl says. “I’m constantly making decisions … and acting as a liaison between teachers and students as well as between the school itself and the central office.”
The balancing act can get messy. From school violence to teenage drinking, Kohl says school administrators have to deal with some of the toughest issues facing today’s youth.
“Of course, there are parts of my job that I don’t like,” Kohl says. “As a principal you have to make tough decisions. But if you can’t work with conflict, you can’t be successful in this profession.”
And Kohl has learned to deal with conflict in his own way. He says most important to him is building personal relationships with students and teachers. Sometimes, he says, making that connection is as simple as a conversation in the hallway or a pat on the back for a job well-done.
“There’s so much pressure in young people’s lives today,” Kohl says. “It’s incredibly important to have someone that you can talk to.”
Having that person to talk to, that connection, Kohl says, can be the difference between a student who has a bad day and talks about it and a student who ends up in a mug shot on the front page of the newspaper. Because school violence and troubled teens make headlines every week, school administrators are noticing and taking action.
At Rock Bridge, staff members recently introduced a multicultural committee to create relationships between students and staff. Another organization that Kohl says is working for the safety of Columbia’s young adults is Columbia’s Substance Abuse Task Force, which tries to combat underage drinking. Kohl says when teens make poor choices, the importance lies in finding the root of the problem. And although those issues often involve dark looks into students’ lives, making a difference for them is one of the most rewarding parts of Kohl’s job.
“The things that really keep me going are shaking that student’s hand for a job well-done or seeing that lightbulb go on in the classroom and watching those kids walk across the stage at graduation,” Kohl says.
— Tory Freese
The woman in the middle
Kimberly Smith, a licensed clinical social worker who is in private practice in Columbia, prefers to sit on the same level as her clients on the cozy deep blue chairs that face each other in her office. She wants her clients to feel they are equal with her, not overpowered. Her voice is calm, and her disposition is warm. She looks for physical cues, such as eye contact, to monitor her progress during a session.
“When I know I’m beginning to make a few inroads, I can actually see people visibly relax,” she says. “People begin to make eye contact with each other, instead of just staring at me.”
Getting her clients to stop staring at her and start focusing on their problems takes time and patience, but after counseling individuals, couples and groups in Columbia for 15 years, it is a process Smith is familiar with. The constant fight for resolution, however, can take its toll on her own psyche if she’s not careful.
“I think you can almost feel that conflict energetically, so I work real hard to just let it out of my body and not keep it in,” Smith says. She takes bubble baths, goes on long walks, meditates, does yoga and performs guided imagery exercises. Smith says she practices at least one of these activities each day, and they are essential to her survival. This is especially true after she counsels her toughest cases, those involving child abuse or irresolvable conflicts.
“Sometimes my job, as painful as it is, is to say, ‘I don’t think you two are going to be able to find a way through this,’ and that’s hard,” Smith says. She also says she feels intense frustration when she is unable to meet the needs of the abused children she counsels. Ultimately, though, she understands that fretting over her clients is a waste of energy.
“If I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for them, I wouldn’t be helpful to them because they need objectivity and detachment,” Smith says.
Despite being stuck in the middle of conflict every day, Smith isn’t getting burnt out anytime soon. She attributes her enthusiasm for her job to taking care of herself so she has the energy to work with her clients.
“The most rewarding thing is the ability to solve problems, to help people understand each other and to find solutions to what appear to be insurmountable disagreements,” Smith says. “That all feels quite rewarding, and in the bigger picture, it feels like it is making the world a little bit more peaceful.”
— Katie Peterson
All my children
Imagine your home is invaded by authorities who take away your children and place them in a residential facility where your access is controlled and limited. Then imagine social workers examining how your family functions and providing feedback that is often unpleasant to hear. Sometimes, because of their advice, you must undergo therapy or counseling before you can have your children back. Child welfare agencies might have the children’s best interest at heart, but often all parents see is someone who is taking away their kids.
When child welfare agencies discover young victims of neglect or abuse, they might remove them and bring them to safe residential facilities, such as the Boys and Girls Town of Missouri.
Paula Fleming, regional vice president of Boys and Girls Town, says separating children from their families is an emotional and difficult situation. When a center takes temporary custody of children, family members often react defensively because they believe the agency is measuring the family’s ability to provide a positive environment.
Fleming oversees the reunification process and works to reconcile the differences in opinion between families, state agencies and the staff at Boys and Girls Town. The objective is to find solutions that provide the best outcome for the child.
Tensions between families and the center are eased by engaging families in therapy and building trust. Once a family decides to attempt reunification, a treatment team from Boys and Girls Town conducts home visits in which it might evaluate the family’s ability to take care of a child. These interactions are extremely delicate.
“Even though family members love their children very much and want them back home, they are often dealing with other issues like substance abuse, unemployment or poverty that make it difficult for children to come home,” Fleming says.
In some situations, conflict erupts between the treatment team and the referring state agencies. Often the two agencies have different opinions on whether to allow the child to return home. Because placing officials have the final word, Fleming and her team must work with them. In order to avoid misunderstandings, both sides work together and remember they are working toward a common goal.
One of the most difficult aspects of Fleming’s work is that she is unable to share the details with her family because children’s stories are confidential. Fleming knows these stories are part of her job, but she can’t avoid the impact they have on her personal life. The employees at Boys and Girls Town support one another by discussing professional issues. In daily treatment team meetings, they have the opportunity to talk about their worries and problems because they can’t have these conversations at home.
“We truly work as a team, and we try to support our fellow colleagues,” Fleming says. “It’s sometimes difficult to find that balance so that when I’m at home for the weekends, I can spend some time with my family and also for myself to try to relax.”
— Maria Cabrera
