PRINTStrangers behaving badly
Deal with daily disputes by using these rules of engagement
Michael Burriss
November 23, 2006 | 12:00 a.m. CST
At the ’Berg during happy hour, the server repeatedly forgets to bring the ranch dressing. At the movie theater, you try to maintain healthy personal space but get pushed back in line by cutters. We’ve all been there. Conflicts with strangers can get resolved or go to hell. You can decide whether to cause a scene, make a graceful exit or maybe settle things without mincing words.
Check yourself before you wreck yourself
Related Articles Related LinksBefore you confront a stranger, the fi rst things to consider are culture and context, advises Katherine Denker, an MU doctoral student who teaches introductory communications. “If you’re doing something culturally inappropriate, someone is going to call you on it,” she says. In any situation that could get ugly, be calm and control nonverbal cues such as hand movements and threatening looks. “You can easily have a conflict that escalates when you make statements that people take as accusatory,” Denker says. Avoid aggressive tones, and use “I” more than “you” (as in “I have really good hearing and can hear your dog barking at night” rather than “You need to shut your dog up before I call animal control”).
Put down that phone
Cell phones, those ubiquitous modern marvels, are great because they let you have a conversation anywhere. That’s also what makes them so maddening. Filmgoers answer them in the theater, and shoppers carry on intimate conversations in aisle five and in the checkout line.
The Sinclair gas station on Rock Quarry Road and Stadium Blvd. has a solution — a bright yellow sign that says, “Talk to us not your cell phone please! Thank you.”
Rufus Fruge, a Sinclair attendant, says he’s been uncomfortably privy to patrons’ conversations about personal hygiene and other issues best shared with friends or medical professionals. He says more establishments should post similar signs to speed up business and keep employees and customers quietly happy.
Patience is a virtue
Fruge usually makes eye contact with cell phone screamers to quietly indicate he can hear every word. Most of the time this does the trick.
Or not
Follow the example of an annoying squawker by chatting on your phone about a similar topic. Or directly respond to one’s hilarious stories, using laughter, wide eyes and phrases such as “No WAY!”
Cut it out
Although everyone should have learned in elementary school that it’s just plain rude to cut in line, people of all ages still do it. Issam Yanis, general manager at Coffee Zone, says employees can help.
“If someone tries to cut, I ask him to go back to the end of the line,” Yanis says. “If he doesn’t answer me, I look to the back of the line, and I serve him after that person.”
Customers who feel frustrated by cutters should first assess whether the move was deliberate, says MU professor Joseph Mazza, who teaches business and professional communication.
“Sometimes people hold spots in line, or people might actually not know they are cutting,” Mazza says. “But if they did it on purpose, usually other people notice, too, and the group can take action or not, depending on if it’s worth approaching the line cutter.”
Patience is a virtue
Politely tap the cutter on the back, and inform him or her that you were in line first.
Or not
Ask the etiquette-less caveman, “Would you mind cutting behind me?”
Send it back
Sometimes customers don’t get what they order, servers forget to check on their tables or the food takes a long time to arrive. But restaurant patrons should remember that servers are just doing their jobs and will likely work with you if you are respectful, Mazza says.
“You should watch your tone with your waiters in order to escape undetectable retaliation,” Denker says. “Don’t say ‘You wrote this down incorrectly’ or ‘You screwed up.’ Not only are you arousing the emotions of the server, but you’re probably going to get your food spit in.”
Patience is a virtue
Cara Wilson, a server at Sofia’s, says the best thing a customer can do is acknowledge the server and interact politely when he or she asks diners about their meals. “Some people will just ignore me and not answer my questions,” Wilson says. “They should make it personal and have a conversation.”
Or not
When you receive an awful dish, fake an allergic reaction. Cough uncontrollably, drink some water and when your server comes over in panic, insist that you need it remade without a particular ingredient or need a different item altogether.
The moral of the story
Uncomfortable social situations are frequent and varied, but keep in mind the old saying, “Kill them with kindness.” Nine times out of 10, the calm and rational will be able to find common ground with would-be enemies.
But hey, if you’d rather get the last laugh, smirk your way out of a difficult situation or use that comeback
you’ve been dying to toss out for a year — go ahead. Not everyone can be the bigger person.
