PRINTHow to talk about your sexual past
The conversation you shouldn't avoid
April 26, 2007 | 12:00 a.m. CST
There comes a time in every relationship when seven miniscule words combine to form a foreboding sentence: “How many people have you slept with?” Awkwardness, stomach knots and maybe a little nausea might follow. Don’t fret; Vox is here to make talking about sexual health and history as relaxed as possible.
Know the stats
First, read up on STDs. Even if you think you already know everything about them, you might be shocked that according to the American Social Health Association’s STD fact sheet, by age 25 half of all sexually active people will get one. Although it probably seems weird to study up on this stuff, it will definitely come in handy during your discussion. You should also get tested for existing STDs, even if you don’t think you have one, because many of them don’t have symptoms. This will allow you to say, “Hey, I got tested; Have you?,” instead of implying: “You are the only one with the real risk of having an STD, you filthy sailor.”
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Set up a time
Now that you’re armed with plenty of knowledge, it is time to find out the crucial facts of your partner’s sexual past. Although you might prefer being armed with an escape route instead, you should set up a time and place to have the dreaded talk. You definitely don’t want to be rushed or preoccupied, so picking the time is key.
Although the bedroom might seem like an opportune place to get down to the details, Anne Meyer, psychologist at the MU Counseling Center says it’s definitely not. “Waiting until you are in the heat of the moment won’t lead to clear communication.” You also shouldn’t schedule the talk early in the morning or late at night when one or both of you might be grumpy or during times you know your partner is most busy: late-night shifts, finals week or family-dinner night.
Instead, do it on a weekend in a place that is comfortable for you both. If you like the outdoors, a picnic in Stephens Lake Park or by the banks of the Missouri River can help put you in the right mind-set for a serious chat. If you prefer, you can also stay indoors, but make sure it is somewhere private that holds few distractions, such as a powwow on the floor of your living room.
And although telling your partner “we need to talk” in advance of the conversation might make him or her want to run and hide, it’s probably fair to givehim or her a heads-up that you feel a serious discussion needs to happen.
How to start the conversation
Preparing in advance for the discussion makes it more comfortable and feel less forced. Reach back in your memory bank to speeches you rehearsed in case of emergencies — speeding tickets, forgetting homework or making a big mistake at work. Keep the talk light and honest. Don’t get confrontational, but remember that you deserve this information. After all you don’t to be the one having to tell future partners that you made a mistake once and ended up with a nasty, yet permanent, case of use-your-imagination-STD.
Starting the conversation is probably the most distressing part. One of the best ways to bring it up can be to use recent events to jump-start the talk.
“I read on voxmagazine.com (shameless promotion, we know) that by 25, half of sexually active people will have an STD. Isn’t that nutty?” That will open the door for your partner to say “Well, I might just be a part of that 50 percent.”
Alexandra Balzer, Graduate Outreach Coordinator for the Sexual Health Advocate Peer Education (SHAPE) program says using those “I” statements you probably learned as a kid can help, because they help keep your partner from getting defensive.
Try saying “I am concerned for both of us,” as opposed to something such as “You probably got herpes from your ex.”
However, no matter how upfront and mature you might be during the conversation, there’s always a chance your partner might not be so enlightened. He or she could get defensive, or worse, he or she could lie.
“If someone is making less eye contact than usual, smiling less, changing their gestures, or seem tense, they may be deceiving a partner,” Tina Coffelt, an MU doctoral student in communication, says. She cites a study conducted by Anne E. Lucchetti in 1999. Of 364 undergraduate students, one-third avoid the topic of sexual history and one-fifth admitted they had been deceptive about their sexual history with a partner. “Sometimes people omit information because they are uncomfortable sharing it, or embarrassed, or simply because, to them, it’s not important,” says Betsy Smith, HIV Prevention Planner from the Boone County Health Department. Smith is blunt about the best way to protect yourself. “Having the conversation is a great start, but the conversation itself will not protect you from an STD.” What will protect you, she says, is using a condom.
What to talk about
At some point during the conversation you will probably need to directly ask if your partner already has an STD. “If the answer is yes, find out which disease it is and if he or she (or his or her ex) received treatment,” Smith says. Although it might not be a relationship deal breaker, an STD of any kind is definitely something to consider. As if talking about your past wasn’t difficult enough already, an STD will make it necessary to talk about your future. If you see this as a serious relationship and want to stick around, you’ll need to talk about possible prevention methods. But staying with him or her means accepting that you might well contract an incurable disease.
Although these topics might really make you squirm, Balzer suggests a couple more subjects you should definitely broach. Anal sex without or even with a condom can put you at risk and so can unprotected vaginal sex. Instead of saying “Did you sleep around and not use a condom?,” say something upfront, but not accusing such as “Have you ever had sex with someone without using protection?” “This doesn’t mean you need to know every detail, but you do have the right to know about previous sexual experiences your partner has had,” Meyer says.
Just remember to be honest with your partner, otherwise you can’t expect him or her to be so with you. “Do not rely on someone else to protect you; your life and your health are too important,” Smith says. “And remember that safe sex is not a guarantee against disease transmission; it only reduces the risk.”
