PRINTOnline and looking
Columbia’s biggest gay scene is on the Web
April 24, 2008 | 12:00 a.m. CST
More than eight years ago, “Steve,” a Columbia resident in his early 30s was planning a trip to Kansas City. As he researched entertainment options in the metropolitan area, he scanned profiles, viewed pictures and found a man with potential — a hot, buff blond with a similar agenda. They chatted online about physical characteristics and playtime preferences before exchanging phone numbers. The ensuing conversation lasted just a few minutes to confirm the realness of both parties. With that, plans were made.
Steve embarked on the short trip to meet the man from the site. He was excited, intrigued and ready to act. Upon arrival, there was a blatant problem. The buff blond was a pudgy brunet. Bewildered, Steve entered the apartment and immediately inquired about the photographic discrepancies. The man insisted the pictures had been taken a year prior; Steve knew that was not the case. Feeling awkward, unconvinced and unsure of what to do, Steve told the man he wasn’t interested and left the apartment. Sex would not go on as planned.
>GWM = gay white male
>HWP = height weight proportional
>ISO = in search of...
>LTR = long-term relationship
>M4M = male for male
>MTF/FTM = a transgender person from male to female or female to male
>NSA = no strings attached
>Discreet = don’t kiss and tell, don’t acknowledge me in public, etc.
>Tearoom = bathroom used for sex
site usage membership
manhunt.net
1,200,000 members
gay.com
3,000,000 members
adultfriendfinder.com
24,000,000 members
alt.com
6,000,000 profiles
match.com
25,000,000 profiles
true.com
11,000,000 profiles
Source: no1reviews.com
“After my anger subsided, I realized that this was just a chance you would have to take if you were going to meet people anonymously online,” Steve says.
For Steve, it’s not simply about aesthetics, though they do play a part. He just needs a physical connection. And typically, there is one. Throughout the years following the misrepresentation mishap, his Internet encounters have produced more victories than disappointments — he’s met about 50 men online.
FLOURISHING UNDERGROUND
At any moment, tens of thousands of men nationwide are signed onto manhunt.net. The reasons are varied: quickies, friends, relationships or, in small cities such as Columbia, a lack of other options. This also bleeds into the online world, where sites such as eHarmony.com don’t have options for gay users. Advertised as a dating and social networking hybrid for men, the site attracts especially heavy traffic during the late-night hours. But even during the standard work day, the site has Columbia men online and looking. With a simple click of the “members online” button, a list of men signed on appears. Active accounts illuminate and conversations begin.
At all times, the manhunt moderator — a live person behind an online profile — monitors activity and ensures that everything remains within the site’s terms of agreement. Pornographic pictures are allowed, but anyone under the age of 18 is not. Women, too, are naturally excluded. Within three weeks of attempting to make connections, my two profiles were booted. But for nearly a month, a substantial flow of e-mail made it to my inbox. Five minutes after creating my first profile, my inbox started to flash. The message simply read: “In a hotel off 70 and 63.” Apparently, the time of day is inconsequential when a newbie signs on.
The underground nature of manhunt, gay.com and the “men for men” section on craigslist thrive on anonymity and blatant sexual content with explicit photos, insider terminology and profiles that define what the user is looking for. Its perks are plentiful for anyone seeking discretion, companionship or even sex.
As with all dating sites, however, the level of explicitness ranges. Gay.com is a less sex-driven site; the personals section of craigslist, on the other hand, caters mostly to hookups. As online dating becomes more prominent, all sexual orientations are using these sites as a screening process for anyone seeking a partner.
These online pseudo-communities can be alcohol-free environments that encourage the use of no-commitment pseudonyms. The screen names allow users to pick and choose encounters with full discretion and anonymity. No longer are alcohol-saturated singles’ hot spots the only way to exchange phone numbers. And the nerd stigma is even departing — gradually. In July of 2007, Online Dating Magazine reported that the industry would likely take in more than $600 million in 2008.
MU student Joshua Barton, 21, attributes the popularity of these sites to a lack of socialization in the gay community. As teenage boys grow into men, the time frame to learn the ways of dating quickly dissipates. For Steve, that was exactly the case. He came out at the age of 25 as a graduate student at MU. That teenage time block had long passed, but Steve was fortunate to meet another young man with whom he could work out the small socializing kinks. For others, a hand-holding mentor is harder to come by.
“The easy way is just sex, I guess,” Barton says. “Queer people aren’t socialized like heterosexuals are.”
And some have no desire to be. Barton notes that sex in the LGBT community can be a form of non-compliance with heterosexual ways of life.
“Queer sex is a radical form of resistance,” Barton says. “It’s just another way for them to distance themselves from a straight, hetero-normative relationship. A lot of gay people are fine with that. A lot of gay people aren’t.”
This type of resistance and underground activity flourishes both online and in other more inconspicuous locales. MU’s Ellis Library has been a site for such activity since the ’50s when a one-way screen was installed in a bathroom to catch men fooling around in stalls. The screen, which is more common in interrogation rooms, was busted with a brick less than a year after its installation in 1956, according to MU Professor Emeritus Wayne Anderson. Anderson was a doctorate student at MU during the controversy and went on to facilitate counseling groups within the gay community on MU’s campus.
More than 50 years later, the tearoom has moved to a bathroom on the second floor, according to Barton. The stalls are covered with graffiti and sexual come-ons, and the activity that persisted decades prior goes on in the same fashion with the same unspoken signals. Knowledge of the bathroom even extends into the non-college community, including Steve.
“It’s just known,” Steve says. “I don’t think anybody knows how it works though.”
And that’s not uncommon because those who notoriously use tearooms often self-identify as straight, according to MU sociology professor Wayne Brekhus. Brekhus acknowledges the long history of similar locations and references Laud Humphreys’ research in Tearoom Trade: Impersonal Sex in Public Places. First published in 1970, the study explored these notorious locales and produced what was groundbreaking research at the time.
Nearly 40 years later, the signals and types of patrons remain the same with the activity likely as widespread as Humphreys postulated in the ’70s: “Many men — married and unmarried, those with heterosexual identities and those whose self-image is a homosexual one — seek such impersonal sex, shunning involvement, desiring kicks without commitment.”
Brekhus attributes more recent knowledge of these locales to what he terms the Larry Craig phenomenon, after the Idaho senator who made news when he was arrested in an airport men’s room for soliciting gay sex.
“If you’re out and gay, you can find much better options than a bathroom stall,” Brekhus says. “Larry Craig is a pretty typical tearoom participant. If your persona is very anti-gay, that really limits your options. You end up seeking it out in restrooms.”
Or online.
IGNORING VOWS
Some men in tearooms and on sites such as manhunt don’t identify as gay but lead double lives that require travel for satisfaction. Brekhus says some identify with the culture in its entirety. Others, he says, just view their sexuality as a description: it’s a part of them, but it doesn’t define them. This, he says, is common in Columbia. And then there are those who don’t see it as either a noun or an adjective.
“There are people who commute to be gay,” Brekhus says. “I see them more as doing gay activity as a verb.”
According to Brekhus, these commuters are significant in number and are often heterosexual, married men who have sex with other men and travel to do so. They visit places that are easy to access, such as Columbia.
“Because Columbia’s along an interstate highway, there’s a lot of sexual commerce,” Brekhus says.
These travelers come through and interact with locals like Steve. Steve has met many married men who use the sites while traveling on business to hookup with other men — a situation termed “on the down low,” or DL, that was heavily publicized years back.
The publicity faded; the practice did not.
“I think the Internet has really done a lot with the bi and married men because the minute they know they’re going out of town, they’re on that site looking to see who’s in that town that they’re going to,” Steve says. “I can guarantee it.”
The married men that Steve has met have had different ways of approaching the subject of infidelity. Some, he says, are upfront about it — others are not. The chance of being caught while traveling is slim. The chance of local residents being caught is much greater, which is why Steve says he hasn’t met any married Columbians on the site.
“Usually if they live locally,” he says, “they’re not on because they’re too scared of running into you at the mall or, you know, somewhere.”
SOMETIMES IT’S JUST SEX
Steve has been on gay.com since the late ’90s. He and his partner agreed to abandon traditional monogamy and now use their joint profile for hookups; they often bring a third person into the bedroom. The couple also uses the site to find people who live in the areas where they travel for business or pleasure. By keeping sexual encounters fresh, Steve says the relationship remains strong.
“We’re very open and honest about everything, so it’s not like we’re going behind each other’s back to do it,” he says. “It’s actually taken some pressure and stress off the relationship. You don’t rely on that person necessarily to fulfill you sexually all the time.”
Brekhus speaks of two common models of gay relationships: One is more traditional and monogamous, and the other strays from conventional ways sexually while maintaining emotional monogamy. This type of alternative relationship can exist successfully because of what Steve calls the ability to disconnect. Sex is just sex for Steve. The emotional connection comes when the couple cuddles on the couch or does day-to-day activities.
“If you dissociate, you can have the relationship and not have the jealousy issues,” Steve says.
But the disconnect might be more innate. It could come down to biology.
Jake Hammel, a 20-year-old MU student who volunteers with STD-prevention organization Rain and founded the Missouri AIDS Awareness Coalition, attributes the difference to testosterone.
“Biologically, we’re focusing more on hormones,” Hammel says. “Men can see sex as just sex, not emotionally. They can separate emotional relationships and sexual relationships.”
With hormonal differences and alternative relationship models, local men have few options. They can risk meeting partners at bars, or they can go online. Unfortunately, that’s all that currently exists and is likely why manhunt is so popular.
Because of the lack of gay social outlets, Hammel says networking sites are the best way for Columbia men to meet. He has a manhunt account and says he’s met good people but would rather have better venues to socialize in.
“I think there’s this growth of the underground community,” Hammel says, adding that with more options many would use the sites less.
FACING REALITY
Steve, who is now 40, is frank about his relationship with his partner and their use of the Internet. Steve is out at work, but the soft-spoken man lowers his voice further when discussing manhunt.
Although Steve speaks with confidence about his life in Columbia, he realizes that the community doesn’t fully accept his relationship. Many have been incredibly accepting of Steve’s sexual orientation, but others, such as Hammel, comment on the names they’ve been called and the persecution they’ve endured. Some Columbians, like individuals nationwide, just aren’t there yet. But Steve will deal. He’s pleased with his arrangement.
“I think we’ll be together forever,” he says.
For other locals, the outlook isn’t quite as bright. More than 50 years have passed since institutionalized persecution of gay men on the MU campus began. In the ’50s, gay students were publicly outed and pushed out of school; professors who refused to participate in the effort were fired and others resigned. Although much has changed on both the campus and in Columbia as a whole, much remains the same — social outlets are slim.
Many patrons on manhunt are truly looking for love, relationships and friendship. Others look for the simple sexual outlet and are forced underground because few venues for socialization exist above ground in Columbia. Steve says he’d like to go to so-called straight bars more often but doesn’t want any possible trouble.
“In straight bars, I don’t know how that whole system works,” he says. “I don’t want to end up getting punched in the face.”
And alcohol-free options are almost nonexistent. Other cities have athletic leagues and community organizations, but Columbia lacks that variety of social options.
Until this changes, the potential for a vibrant, visible community within Columbia’s city limits is unlikely. Many men online aren’t looking for sex. Hammel isn’t necessarily. He’s just looking, he says. Steve, however, uses the site for hookups and feels lucky to share the other aspects of life with his partner.
But other members of the gay community aren’t as comfortable as they could be. No matter how cushy the desk chair is in front of the computer, there are more engaging ways to dance those first few steps of courtship. V
I'm not sure what makes this story newsworthy. From the limited number of sources you've interviewed, this sort of biased reporting only perpetuates negative stereotypes. With the number of LGBT stories you could have covered, it's disappointing that you opted for something so lowbrow.
Obviously, this sort of casual sex does occur. The problem is you're making it seem like it's occurring in epidemic proportions to the point where you're citing the library toilet stalls as evidence. (It should be noted you made no mention of straight men and women who use the internet to cruise for sex.) You're not using statistics, but a few random examples from a diverse community. It speaks volumes that you did not bother to interview a monogamously coupled gay man who could provide an opposing viewpoint. The idea that the gay community in Columbia isn't thriving because of some closeted men seeking sex online and a lack of visibility is nonsensical. It takes more than those few people to make up a community. The gay community in Columbia deserves better than to be described as underground. Not everyone is so subversive and only in passing do you mention that other, out of the closet gay men exist. This isn't journalism and frankly I'm surprised nobody pointed that out before publication.
Posted by Adam Waldowski on May 1, 2008 at 3:43 p.m. (Report Comment)