PRINTWho does that?
Columbia’s odd (and sometimes dirty) jobs and the people who do them.
May 27, 2009 | 12:00 p.m. CST
It’s the perfect summer day. On the golf course, you drive your cart to the next hole. You take a swing and your ball splashes into the nearby lake. Besides being over par, you’re overheated and decide to head inside for a beer and leave the ball to sink to the bottom of the lake bed (or maybe get swallowed by the gator that took Chubs’ hand).
But what happens to that golf ball long after you’ve gotten sloshed at the clubhouse? Or for that matter, what happens to the $5 you left in the meter when you parked your car? Or the possum you hit on the way to the course?
Chances are, you’ve never taken the time to wonder. Odd jobs such as “golf ball retriever” and “road kill assistant” aren’t exactly thriving on Craigslist, but they’re important, unseen jobs in Columbia. Here’s a rundown of a few of the many odd occupations that fly under the radar. In this tough economy, you might want to consider applying.
Road kill clean-up crew
Yes, everyone saw you hit that deer with your car. And yes, everyone saw you guiltily speed off. You’re scared to death and torn between whether to go back and check or wave goodbye in the rearview mirror. Regardless of your decision, the Missouri Department of Conservation will do your dirty work. According to Margret Post at the MDC, once every three years the department accepts bids for independent contractors to pick up deer (and only deer) inside the city limits. The department then uses this iron-stomached contractor to pick up any deer that drivers report. Bambi pick ups range from once every couple of weeks to two or three per day. According to Post, the only requirements are that the contractor has a truck and a property to dispose of the deer. Although she isn’t a contractor, she has ridden along and says it’s quite an ordeal. “He [the contractor] asked me if I wanted to go back to the office, and I figured if I was going to be calling him to pick up these deer, I should know what it’s like,” she says. Post, whose idea of roughing it is a hotel without a pool, said it was an experience she will never forget.
“It was the stinkiest thing I ever smelled, I’ll tell you that.”
So next time you’re driving on Stadium and see something dart across, do your best to swerve.
Golf ball retriever
The business of golf ball reincarnation is a lucrative one. Just ask Marty Farris, the founder and owner of Mid-America Retrieval Golf Ball Recyclers. Fifteen years ago, Farris, a civil engineer, designed and patented a tractor and rower system to scoop the balls out of the water. He collects between 6,000-12,000 balls a day. Two large tractors stationed on each bank create a tug-of-war effect with the rower, which moves from tractor winch to tractor winch and skims the bottom of the lake or pond. Once the balls are removed, they are washed, bagged and resold to pro shops around the country. The initial course gets 20-35 percent of the balls returned to them.
Although technology has helped his business, Farris says he still has to dive down and pick up balls at courses with ultra-rocky waterbeds. Mid-America Retrieval Golf Ball Recyclers serves Missouri and Illinois and moves through Columbia two or three times a year.
The best reason to get in the business of golf ball retrieval? “I take off from Dec. 1 to, oh, about April 1.” And with each ball selling for at least $1, you might just be tempted to don a pair of flippers.
Meter emptier
Everyone hates the meter maids who lurk around the parking lots and wait for your last quarter to expire. So what to think of the people who physically take your money out of the machine? These elusive folks work for either the City of Columbia or the MU Parking and Transportation office and remain a mystery, as neither place provides the details of the job for safety reasons. According to William Lewis, the Parking Supervisor for the City of Columbia, the city has been hesitant to give out information about meter collection since an incident with theft in the ’80s. The incident, which ended in murder, involved two men from Illinois who came to Columbia to rob meters after the information about how the money was collected was published in a daily paper. Moral of the story? Just pay your meter and don’t ask questions.
Trash collector
No, not the garbage man; we know when he comes. These good samaritan trash collectors are less known and pick up the trash that is strewn about town. At the Columbia Mall for instance, Roy Kohrs is one such samaritan. Although he’s part of the custodial staff, it’s not his job to pick up the trash, but he often finds himself stooping down to pick up crumpled remains at the foot of the Famous Cajun Grill.
“I could pick up people’s trash all day, but I’m actually on the sweeping team,” he says. Surprisingly, in a city that boasts its green/eco-friendly/social responsibility day and night, Kohrs is constantly busy. “I probably pick up over 1,000 pieces a day,” he says. “But there’s a time when enough’s enough.”
Light bulb changer
Some say it’s good luck to see a streetlight go out. Some say it’s bad luck. Some don’t say anything; they just change the light and are off to the next. The city’s Water and Light Department is responsible for the maintenance of street lamps all over town. Andy Caskey, the Line Superintendent says the process goes a little something like this: The department receives a call (“Lately e-mail’s really popular too,” he says) about a faulty light. Then the city dispatches a bucket truck — a truck with a hydraulic bucket that carries the electrician to the top of the light post to do the job. Caskey says crews change lights daily for reasons ranging from faulty wiring, a bulb burning out or problems with the photo cell, the mechanism that triggers the lamps to come on at night. “In fact,” Caskey says, “there’s someone downtown changing one right now.”
Port-a-Potty Pumper
A port-a-potty can hold up to 70 gallons before it has to be emptied, and during tailgating season we could not be happier about that vast amount of storage. However, once the tank has reached its limit, it’s a pump-truck driver’s job to … take care of business. According to Marvin*, who works in marketing at Johnny On the Spot, Inc., the pump disposes of the waste in a couple of minutes, and then the driver brings the remnants back to the facility where it goes through a screening chamber to get rid of hazardous material and is dumped into the sewer system. The lucky driver empties between 40 to 60 port-a-potties each day. Marvin, who has been smirking his way through this entire interview can’t contain himself when he’s asked if there are any perks to the job. “Perks?” he says with a laugh. “Well, it’s a four-day work week.”
* Last name withheld to protect pride
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