PRINTThe evolution to manhood
A look at today’s shifting transition. Hint: Darwin’s theory does not apply.
Erica Mendez
January 28, 2010 | 12:00 a.m. CST
Different cultures have long-standing traditions to mark the day when a boy becomes a man. In Judaism, the transition is recognized with a Bar Mitzvah; in Japan, boys celebrate a coming-of-age day known as Seijin Shiki when they turn 20. But what about the boys of Columbia? In a college town, is the temptation to stay stuck in an early-20s lifestyle too great? And what does it mean to be a “man” in CoMo anyway? Surely there’s more to it than being able to grow facial hair or consume large amounts of beer. At some point, guys’ days of endless X-Box gaming and stumbling home completely plastered in the wee hours of the morning must be traded in for an alarm clock and a balanced checkbook. But the transition doesn’t necessarily involve a cubicle, a family or a gold band around the ring finger. Whether you’re single and on the lookout for a self-sufficient partner or just another guy meandering down the road to manhood, here are a few mile markers to consider, many of which can be passed even on the path less followed.
Show Me The Money
Curious about the extent of guydom in Columbia, a highly informal survey was conducted with males (average age: 22) found on the street. Our methods might not be scientifically sound, but the numbers we came away with could still surprise you.
Do you own a suit that fits?
79% Yes 21% No
Do you know how to tie a tie?
87% Yes 13% No
Do you have a job?
72% Yes 28% No
Are/were you in a band?
13% Yes 87% No
Do you pay for your own groceries, rent and tuition?
67% Yes 33% No
Do you do drugs?
41% Yes 59% No
Have you been arrested in the past year?
13% Yes 87% No
Do you do your own laundry?
92% Yes 8% No
Do you have a car?
79% Yes 21% No
Do you play video games?
67% Yes 33% No
Avg. number of hours of videogames played per week: 2.5
Avg. age they think it’s right to get married: 27
Mark Alexiou works the counter and keeps bar at Booche’s. For his 40th birthday in ...
Josh Brady in 2004, before graduating from Hickman. He hopes to become a pro golfer.
Nate Smith, 27, works 50 hours a week between Tryathletics and bartending at Mojo’s. All ...
Standing in the yard, Nate Smith strings up a set of lights in front of ...
Making the bucks and knowing how to save are big parts of growing up. It might sound intimidating, but it really just means taking a job seriously and making enough money to support yourself and maybe, potentially, the f-word — a family.
It doesn’t take Bureau of Labor statistics to understand the employment situation of the dude population when so many guys, such as Kyle Montgomery, a 23-year-old senior at MU, are getting help from their parents to cover expenses. He’s still in school, but Montgomery admits he isn’t quite ready to grow up. Friend Kyle Luecke says that before Montgomery quit his job because of knee surgery, he took his part-time bartending gig at Jina Yoo’s just seriously enough to avoid getting fired, a practice he won’t be able to continue when he moves on to a full-time job.
But despite stereotypes, for many a high-paying job isn’t a mark of manhood. Nate Smith, 27, supports himself by clocking 50 hours a week between working at Tryathletics and bartending at Mojo’s. He doesn’t worry about saving for a family and instead works a double shift so he can spend summers traveling and backpacking. Smith says he isn’t ready for a full-time job because the freedom that comes with working part-time is too enjoyable. But even with the summers abroad and the absence of a typical 9-to-5 gig, Smith saved enough to buy himself a house in 2008. Still, he rationalizes the permanence of his purchase by saying he can always rent it out.
Mark Alexiou is an older model of an atypical man. He bartends at Booche’s and celebrated his 40th birthday this past November with a night of debauchery at Quinton’s — no doubt among dozens of college students. Although Alexiou’s lifestyle might resemble that of a young 20-something, he’s got money in the bank — and without help from parental units. Alexiou has a savings account, no debt and stocks and bonds in tow. His friends like to give him a hard time about his job, but he earns enough money to travel several times a year.
So being a man doesn’t necessarily mean working behind a desk all day: It’s possible to build a nest egg and earn a living while still enjoying living. The most important thing seems to be finding a way to make your job fit your lifestyle.
The Future Is Now
By early grade school, and for sure by the age of 23, everyone encounters the same loaded question from teachers, relatives and friends of parents: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” There comes a day when suddenly it’s time to figure out what the future (or present, as the case might be) holds. Many guys dread commitment to any long-term plans. Smith sums up the reluctance to leave the partying days behind for the sake of a career or a family, saying, “I’m wanting to still be 20 years old and in school.”
While many of his friends have crossed over into the world of full-time jobs and marriage, Smith seems to avoid both of these things. As far as the future goes, he doesn’t see himself committing to a career or a serious relationship anytime soon.
Although this lifestyle has worked for Smith, it’s still a risk for guys such as MU senior Josh Brady, who has given his 23-year-old self until the age of 25 to grow up. After spending a few years at Florida State exploring his options, he is back in his hometown enrolled in general studies, and his future is designed around one pretty big gamble. He hopes to become a professional golfer within the next five years, and friend Sean Squires thinks Brady will try to pursue the dream as long as he can. Currently living in his parents’ basement, which backs against the Columbia Country Club golf course, it’s safe to say Brady has more tee times than responsibilities. Brady sees himself settling down eventually, but right now he’s perfectly content with his carefree lifestyle. “I’m just living the dream,” he says. Did we mention his living quarters are equipped with a beer vending machine?
Jake Harry, 23, also a senior at MU, has a bit of a different outlook on the future. He says he made the transition to manhood a while ago. “I started really working on my résumé, applying for jobs, figuring out what I’m doing in the future,” he says. He already knows that he wants to get married around age 28 or 29 but has set some conditions for himself. Before thinking about a family, he’d like to be financially stable first.
So if you’re picking out names for your kids and worrying about your credit score, then full maturity is within reach, but look out when holding onto the carefree days of youth that you don’t spend too many years imagining your face on Wheaties boxes.
Freedom Train
It’s the train, many people might argue, that guys seem to want a one-way ticket on. Alexiou compares the need to be free from relationships to the cultural movement of the Swinging ’70s. “There’s this independence movement going on again,” he says. “You don’t really see a lot of committed relationships.”
Montgomery’s ex-girlfriend Aubrey Richardson thinks a lot of guys assume becoming a man means not having fun anymore. But being more responsible doesn’t have to mean staying home on Friday nights and watching the news; it just means balancing a good time with a little compromise.
Alexiou has never been married, so he has plenty of time to himself, but he isn’t afraid of sacrificing some of that freedom if it means gaining something in return. The way he sees it, when a man settles down and gets married, he does lose some free time, but his family becomes more important. “It’s about finding the right person who allows you to keep some of your independence,” he says.
Harry agrees. He isn’t afraid of losing his freedom because, in his opinion, a man has control over his own independence. “I wouldn’t say that getting married and having a full-time job takes away your freedom,” he says. “It’s all about what you do with it.”
But not everyone sees things with such deliberation. Smith says several of his friends have already started to settle down, and watching them grow up makes him even more resistant to doing it. He sees commitment and responsibility in their lives, which he equates to loss of freedom. “One day you wake up, and you’re trapped in a job and a relationship,” he says.
So, really, freedom might just be what you make of it. Some guys imagine themselves being taken away in handcuffs the day they grow up, but others stay cool through compromise.
What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Opening up to someone takes maturity, and it’s hard to do, especially when your gender stereotype
pigeonholes you into a role that’s emotionless and hard as steel. Golf pro-aspirant Brady admits a fact most guys try to keep secret — they’re self-conscious, and many try to act overly confident or emotionally cut off to make up for their insecurities. Ex-girlfriend Brianne Boucharde experienced Brady’s reserved behavior firsthand. She says he had a hard time opening up to her and preferred to keep to himself.
Being part of a committed relationship requires taking the other person’s needs into consideration, and Richardson, Montgomery’s ex, thinks that a boy becomes a man when he has transitioned from being selfish to being selfless. “Kyle is, in the simplest form, a bros-before-hos kind of guy,” she says.
Montgomery admits that it was hard for him to give up hanging out with his friends to spend time with Richardson. He has a take-it-or-leave-it opinion on serious relationships. “I want to get married and have a family if it’s in the cards, but it’s not a priority,” he says. “I want a kid or two, but I don’t know if I need a wife.”
Although Montgomery’s mentality might not be shared by all, Census Bureau statistics show that even men who get married are doing so later in life. The average age of a man’s first marriage has climbed from a little more than 22 in the early 1960s to almost 28 in 2008. The women’s average has also climbed but only to 26. In all facets of their lives, it seems that guys are becoming more preoccupied with getting in one last hurrah before putting on a suit and tie, whether it be for a job interview or to say “I do.”
Although there are some principles and guidelines to growing up, there are no cemented rules that grant access to manhood. The guys of Columbia are clearly still figuring them out, and even those who’ve become men biologically and physically have some youthful habits they can’t kick. Women under 25 looking for a doting companion might want to check the Humane Society first. And guys under 25, try to put down the Guitar Hero for a second, and think about putting on a collared shirt instead.
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