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January 31, 2013 | 12:00 a.m. CST
Photo: Associated Press
Just because you don’t like football doesn’t mean you don’t like to get a little blood on your hands. Head over to Broadway Brewery for $5 to $7.50 bloody marys from 10:30 a.m to 2 p.m. The brewery’s relative lack of TVs also makes this a good choice because you can sip your vegetable cocktail without annoying pregame coverage.
Sample the snacks. There are always Chex Mix innovations, and you can get into heated discussions about the best pretzel shapes: stick or circle? One can be a cigar, and the other doubles as a monocle. For best results, combine the two. Who needs football when you’re that classy?
There has to be something else to watch. There’s always the commercials, but that’s what everyone does. You’re not watching the Super Bowl because you’re a rebel. You have options, such as Star Trek: The Next Generation on BBC America. If sci-fi isn’t for you, Golden Girls is airing on the Hallmark Channel and Roseanne on TV Land. If you’re really desperate, there’s The Top 100 Sexiest Videos on Fuse, but that’s kind of a second-string option.
Watch Tommy Wiseau’s 2003 cult phenomenon The Room. During the movie, each time the characters play “football,” shout as loud as you can. Make sure all your neighbors can hear you. Use it as an opportunity for revenge against the couple next door with the newborn or the old man upstairs who paces relentlessly.
All friend groups have someone who memorizes every sports statistic. See if they know any about the Puppy Bowl. You’ll have to watch it to brush up on Biscuit’s rushing yards and Chestnut’s passer rating. Try not to let it get too fiery when you debate the best kitty halftime show. It starts at 2 p.m., but if you can’t catch it on TV, you can always find your way to the VoxTalk Live Blog.