It's happening: On Friday, Donald J. Trump will face the National Mall and become the 45th president of the United States of America. There will be laughter, tears and a ton of pissed off protestors. The only certainty is that everyone involved will treat the sanctimonious inauguration speech with the respect and dignity it deserves.
Just kidding, it's going to be a circus. This whole election cycle has been a game — campaign managers play chess, Trump plays Monopoly (have you seen how many hotels he has on Boardwalk?) and Vladimir Putin plays Settlers of Catan with Eastern Europe in the background. And the American public? We were playing the Game of Life, until we devolved into hysterical children and flipped over the board.
It would be fitting, then, to spectate Friday's inauguration speech as we all spectated the democratic process in 2016. We therefore present the Vox Trump inauguration speech bingo game, where everything is made up and the words don't matter. Trump aids say he wrote the speech himself (so either a stream of consciousness or feed of tweets), and it should be classic Trump in a bigly way. Here are the rules of the game:
1: You'll need game pieces to fit into each box. We recommend a small, less important object, such as a penny or a shred of Bill of Rights.
2: Follow Trump's words and mannerisms like he followed Hillary Clinton around the stage during the second debate, and plant your flag in the corresponding box when he says or does something on the board.
3: Once you've completed a straight line, run into the street and shout "America!" at the top of your lungs. After all, blind nationalism is a more productive coping mechanism than settling into a crippling vice for the next four years.